Where do you find peace?

 And where do you draw the line? 

This will most likely be a heavy post with a lot of raw emotions and hard opinions.. maybe hard truths. 

Ever since Scott and I jumped into fostering, life has been harder than I wished for. Now I understand and accept the challenges I'm given. And I know everything happens for a reason. But it has truly been hard. My mental health over the years have been tattered with. My faith has been challenged. My view on life has been tainted (well, off and on). I have learned a lot about myself and others.  I've learned that the system of foster care is jaded (with no way of fault by means).  I know DCFS has their hands tied with how they do some things.

I have adopted 7 girls. All of them have had some kind of hardship in their life.  But as I ponder that over the years, I am force to think that we all have some kind of hardship during our life.  Some one may have had challenges worse than you, but I guarantee someone has also had it worse then them too.  I've always known that we should take the positives and go with it. And for a long time in my life, that was an easy thing to do. I've mostly considered myself to be a positive person. And to some degree, I still try to be.  But the last 10 years have really put my thought process and way of thinking in a new light.

I have 1 child (we will call this child K) who is very negative. And who plays the victim in every way possible. I finally had to cut ties with this child because the negativity was too much. At one point in my life, I even tried to give up on myself and wanted nothing but death to invade my body. I'm not blaming this child for my misery or me making choices I did during my major depression. But because of the stress and hardship, I was in this position.  I had to choose to let go of this child for my own mental health.  And yes, I really do wish happiness and good health be upon K (and all my kids for that matter).

Right now have 2 other children who are rather difficult too. J and M. (for those of you who know me personally, will probably know which children I'm taking about) 

J is a LOT like K. It scares me of how much they are a like.. and I know deep down I can not re-live that stress in my life during K living with us. I understand why the previous adopted mother had to give K back to the state (Not saying that was right or wrong for her to do) I have already lost my happy moods and feel like I'm mostly grumpy day in and day out. I know my family see's it, feels it and lives it with me. The manipulation, lies, thieving, mind games that J does, and has been practicing for several years, makes me sad.. It makes me feel like I some how failed my job in helping her. It makes me question every example I've been to her. 

M has completely different set of challenges and struggles. Her personality is sweet and innocent, but her mood swings are extreme. She can not control her anger and has been like that since day one of entering into my home. She (and most likely J) were drug babies. Meth.. and exposure to Bath salts. I'm sure fetal alcohol was there too. The tantrums M would have at such a young age. And for long periods of time. I'm talking 2 hours sometimes. And of course as she got older, the more violent her tantrums have become.  Plus the added behaviors she picked up from J and K. 

Now I'm struggling with them both going into Puberty. And M learning more than she understand and can handle at her mental age. (She is 11 physically, but mentally she acts more like 6).  One of the biggest problem's M has is her relationship with J.  J seems to be jealous of M and constantly does things to belittle M in any way possible.  I honestly think 80% of M's tantrums are set off by J. J is M's biggest trigger.  They do have moments where they get a long wonderfully.. and I keep praying those moments will grow. 

I'm really stuck in a position I don't know how to handle.  I feel like my home is not giving the needs both J and M need. I feel like if I have to go through another cycle of life when we had K, my life will be over. I don't think I have the strength to live through that hell again.  

Now this is where DCFS comes into my struggle with choices I have.  I've always felt I HAD to hang on to K. Or else I would be judged, disliked and pretty much outcasted. Needless to say I truly love K and wanted to do whatever I could to help.  I KNOW this is how many foster families feel. This is exactly why foster parents fall into deep depression. The resources for help isn't enough. I even know of some foster parents who have turned to abusing their children, which really breaks my heart even more. Sometimes I feel like these kids need more than just an adoptive family.  They need a program that goes deep into mental health.  But this is where hands are tied and what is done is strictly on  there being no other options. 

I'm just now realizing what time it is.. and know I need to get off and sleep.  Sooo until next time...

Moi