Life has always been a challenge (but who life hasn't been, right?) I've always tried to view things on the positive side, but I also struggle with Major Depression and Anxiety. Growing up, I was pretty shy. It was hard for me to make friends. Luckily I had a small group of friends from early childhood that stuck around off and on (and still even today). But put me in a room with people I didn't know, EEK.. the feeling of anxiety overwhelmed me and seriously caused me to have social issues.
I'm talking about this right now because I have a beautiful 16 year old daughter who suffers from the same things. And I really do wonder if maybe she too, is an empath. So it's been rolling in my mind.
Over the years I have become really good at hiding my shy side and learning to deal with uncomfortable group settings. In fact some people may not realize how much anxiety I really have. The problem is, I think I cover it up instead of dealing with it and coping with it in a healthy way.
Lately I've been reading and learning about Empaths and honestly it explains SO much about myself. I'm starting to wonder if I'm truly a misguided empath. I feel deeply about things. I'm an over thinker, I'm easy to walk all over, I have a hard time saying no, I feel like I get a bit too emotionally involved and can read other's emotions really well. I cry at everything... I'm definitely over sensitive. I feel emotions from other people... and so on..
I think not knowing how to deal with the intense feelings I often have, have really beaten me down and my depression and anxiety has been over the top the past few years.
Recently my father in law Jim passed away (my mother in law passed back in 2019). I was really surprised at how hard his passing was for me. I will admit I had a lot going on at that time too, so perhaps that had something to do with my strong emotions at this time. I felt so happy that Jim was now with his true love, Judi but at the same time, I grieve because I will miss him. I've seen and felt so much passion from him, especially since his beloved wife had passed. I remember the last time he came to visit us, I had never seen him this depressed. It truly broke my heart. I felt depressed too. He made a few statements that I got teary eyed over. He felt guilty about Judi passing and said if only he had made her go to the doctors she might still be here. He talked about how he wasn't the best father and husband. He even started crying... something I've never seen him do. Of course I cried too (but I hate crying in front of people so I try to hold it in as much as I can/could) He just has so much blame on himself and it broke me. I tried telling him (as did my husband) that nothing was his fault and that he did the best he knew how and things happen for a reason. But I knew he just didn't agree. I KNOW the amazing soul he was/is. We all make mistakes.. which is why we are here, to learn and to try to become better.
I didn't know my FIL for most of his life since I became apart of his family just over 16 years ago. So I definately have differnt view's with the person he was when I met him vs. the person he was as my husband was growing up. But I heard stories and got to see view's from other people in the family. Still I never felt to let other's stories sway my opinion of the good hearted man I learned to love. From day one I could see an amazing father, husband and an exceptional grandfather! He truly did care about all his bajillion grandkids!
I loved seeing him with Judi.. I could totally see the love he had for her. I remember once seeing him coming up behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist as she was rinsing off a few dishes in the sink. He seemed to be more physical with love stuff than she was. And I love that he still made an effort to show her, even if she wasn't too mushy like that. Just to clarify, I don't think he was over the top with the lovey dovey stuff.. it was just enough to let her know, in his own way, of how much he truly loved her. He may have hid things well from others (or maybe he didnt), but I could see his passion and love for everyone around. And it was really deep!! I feel like it came out a little more once my MIL passed away, but more in a down side than an up side. If that makes sense. Family meant everything to him! I am pretty sure all his children saw this too.
It really does make my heart happy that he is in the next chapter of his life. He deserves to be back with those he has missed in his life.. and I can't wait to be right there with them all too!
Wow.. this entry has turned into me expressing my thoughts on being an empath, to my FIL. How interesting how things turn from one thing to another. I thought about erasing this and sticking to the empath subject, but nah.... I want to keep this to honor my FIL.
With all of that said, I shall end for now. I have an extremely needed kitty who really wants me to pay attention to her. She keeps walking on my computer.... Silly cat!
Perhaps I'll pick up on the topic of an emapth next time... Just hoping its not a few years down the road.. lol.
Moi~
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