Move mountains, its possible!

What if I told you that you could love everyone?  Even the people you have unpleasant feelings or thoughts about. It really comes down to 1 thing... and that is understanding.  Our life experiences shape us. And I think we tend to often forget that when we look at someone else and judge them. 

I do believe we are all born pure and innocent. I also believe we are born with our own unique personalities too. But we all handle our experiences different (this is where our individual personalities come into play).  Take someone like Hitler for example.  Everyone judges him for the hideous crimes he did. And I'm willing to bet you'll have a hard time finding someone say they wish he was still here so they could love him.  But think back to the point in his life where he was a good person.  And now think what might have happened to him to make him snap? I'm willing to bet he had some pretty unthinkable trauma happen to him that if it was caught in time, people would have felt sorry for him and wanted to help him work through it (at least in this time era). And maybe if he had someone to love him the way he wasn't loved, he might have been a better person. 

It really can take love to help change a person. And it really does take hate to keep a person keep hating.  Sometimes I feel like there is a point where it might be too late and the damage is already done. Hitler definitely would have been be one of those people who got to the point of no return. Like when you stain red permanent marker on your white shirt. That shirt will never be the same. 

So yes, if you could understand.. I mean truly and deeply understand everyone, you could love them. And that doesn't mean you have to be in their life, because I know all to well that no matter how much you love someone who does you wrong, they can really drag you down still and it's not healthy for you to be around that. People still have to make the choice to help themselves fight their own battles.. And there has to be a point where you need to walk away.

So if you could just learn to understand a person and why they may think the way they do, do the things they do, say the things they say,  you might be able to have more empathy and love towards them.

Over the past years (especially the past 11 years) I have put a lot of thought into why I do the things I do... why I think the way I think... Why I respond to things. Why I say stupid things that come out wrong.  Why  I sometimes block my love from people.. 

Of course I also think there are other factors in how we act and who we become.. factors like brain damage, drugs, mental illness (even though I do believe mental illness could be caused by drugs, learned behaviors, foods with toxins and trauma).  I guess this subject goes deeper than I can truly explain.  Honestly I just wanted to write my thoughts because I have thoughts like this a lot, and never write them down. 

My point to myself is love everyone... even if you cant be there for them... understand that at one point in their life, they were good.. and deep down inside they probably want to be good... and if we just point fingers, criticize and push down, they might never be good.

It time for bed! Zzzzz are wonderful. 

Where do you find peace?

 And where do you draw the line? 

This will most likely be a heavy post with a lot of raw emotions and hard opinions.. maybe hard truths. 

Ever since Scott and I jumped into fostering, life has been harder than I wished for. Now I understand and accept the challenges I'm given. And I know everything happens for a reason. But it has truly been hard. My mental health over the years have been tattered with. My faith has been challenged. My view on life has been tainted (well, off and on). I have learned a lot about myself and others.  I've learned that the system of foster care is jaded (with no way of fault by means).  I know DCFS has their hands tied with how they do some things.

I have adopted 7 girls. All of them have had some kind of hardship in their life.  But as I ponder that over the years, I am force to think that we all have some kind of hardship during our life.  Some one may have had challenges worse than you, but I guarantee someone has also had it worse then them too.  I've always known that we should take the positives and go with it. And for a long time in my life, that was an easy thing to do. I've mostly considered myself to be a positive person. And to some degree, I still try to be.  But the last 10 years have really put my thought process and way of thinking in a new light.

I have 1 child (we will call this child K) who is very negative. And who plays the victim in every way possible. I finally had to cut ties with this child because the negativity was too much. At one point in my life, I even tried to give up on myself and wanted nothing but death to invade my body. I'm not blaming this child for my misery or me making choices I did during my major depression. But because of the stress and hardship, I was in this position.  I had to choose to let go of this child for my own mental health.  And yes, I really do wish happiness and good health be upon K (and all my kids for that matter).

Right now have 2 other children who are rather difficult too. J and M. (for those of you who know me personally, will probably know which children I'm taking about) 

J is a LOT like K. It scares me of how much they are a like.. and I know deep down I can not re-live that stress in my life during K living with us. I understand why the previous adopted mother had to give K back to the state (Not saying that was right or wrong for her to do) I have already lost my happy moods and feel like I'm mostly grumpy day in and day out. I know my family see's it, feels it and lives it with me. The manipulation, lies, thieving, mind games that J does, and has been practicing for several years, makes me sad.. It makes me feel like I some how failed my job in helping her. It makes me question every example I've been to her. 

M has completely different set of challenges and struggles. Her personality is sweet and innocent, but her mood swings are extreme. She can not control her anger and has been like that since day one of entering into my home. She (and most likely J) were drug babies. Meth.. and exposure to Bath salts. I'm sure fetal alcohol was there too. The tantrums M would have at such a young age. And for long periods of time. I'm talking 2 hours sometimes. And of course as she got older, the more violent her tantrums have become.  Plus the added behaviors she picked up from J and K. 

Now I'm struggling with them both going into Puberty. And M learning more than she understand and can handle at her mental age. (She is 11 physically, but mentally she acts more like 6).  One of the biggest problem's M has is her relationship with J.  J seems to be jealous of M and constantly does things to belittle M in any way possible.  I honestly think 80% of M's tantrums are set off by J. J is M's biggest trigger.  They do have moments where they get a long wonderfully.. and I keep praying those moments will grow. 

I'm really stuck in a position I don't know how to handle.  I feel like my home is not giving the needs both J and M need. I feel like if I have to go through another cycle of life when we had K, my life will be over. I don't think I have the strength to live through that hell again.  

Now this is where DCFS comes into my struggle with choices I have.  I've always felt I HAD to hang on to K. Or else I would be judged, disliked and pretty much outcasted. Needless to say I truly love K and wanted to do whatever I could to help.  I KNOW this is how many foster families feel. This is exactly why foster parents fall into deep depression. The resources for help isn't enough. I even know of some foster parents who have turned to abusing their children, which really breaks my heart even more. Sometimes I feel like these kids need more than just an adoptive family.  They need a program that goes deep into mental health.  But this is where hands are tied and what is done is strictly on  there being no other options. 

I'm just now realizing what time it is.. and know I need to get off and sleep.  Sooo until next time...

Moi

Coming to Realization

  Life has always been a challenge (but who life hasn't been, right?)  I've always tried to view things on the positive side, but I also struggle with Major Depression and Anxiety.  Growing up, I was pretty shy. It was hard for me to make friends. Luckily I had a small group of friends from early childhood that stuck around off and on (and still even today). But put me in a room with people I didn't know, EEK.. the feeling of anxiety overwhelmed me and seriously caused me to have social issues.  

I'm talking about this right now because I have a beautiful 16 year old daughter who suffers from the same things.  And I really do wonder if maybe she too, is an empath. So it's been rolling in my mind.

Over the years I have become really good at hiding my shy side and learning to deal with uncomfortable group settings. In fact some people may not realize how much anxiety I really have.  The problem is, I think I cover it up instead of dealing with it and coping with it in a healthy way.

Lately I've been reading and learning about Empaths and honestly it explains SO much about myself. I'm starting to wonder if I'm truly a misguided empath.  I feel deeply about things. I'm an over thinker, I'm easy to walk all over, I have a hard time saying no, I feel like I get a bit too emotionally involved and can read other's emotions really well.  I cry at everything... I'm definitely over sensitive. I feel emotions from other people... and so on..

I think not knowing how to deal with the intense feelings I often have, have really beaten me down and my depression and anxiety has been over the top the past few years. 

Recently my father in law Jim passed away (my mother in law passed back in 2019).  I was really surprised at how hard his passing was for me. I will admit I had a lot going on at that time too, so perhaps that had something to do with my strong emotions at this time.  I felt so happy that Jim was now with his true love, Judi but at the same time, I grieve because I will miss him.  I've seen and felt so much passion from him, especially since his beloved wife had passed.  I remember the last time he came to visit us, I had never seen him this depressed. It truly broke my heart. I felt depressed too. He made a few statements that I got teary eyed over. He felt guilty about Judi passing and said if only he had made her go to the doctors she might still be here. He talked about how he wasn't the best father and husband. He even started crying... something I've never seen him do. Of course I cried too (but I hate crying in front of people so I try to hold it in as much as I can/could) He just has so much blame on himself and it broke me.  I tried telling him (as did my husband) that nothing was his fault and that he did the best he knew how and things happen for a reason. But I knew he just didn't agree. I KNOW the amazing soul he was/is.  We all make mistakes.. which is why we are here, to learn and to try to become better.

I didn't know my FIL for most of his life since I became apart of his family just over 16 years ago.  So I definately have differnt view's with the person he was when I met him vs. the person he was as my husband was growing up. But I heard stories and got to see view's from other people in the family.  Still I never felt to let other's stories sway my opinion of the good hearted man I learned to love.  From day one I could see an amazing father, husband and an exceptional grandfather! He truly did care about all his bajillion grandkids! 

I loved seeing him with Judi.. I could totally see the love he had for her. I remember once seeing him coming up behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist as she was rinsing off a few dishes in the sink.  He seemed to be more physical with love stuff than she was. And I love that he still made an effort to show her, even if she wasn't too mushy like that. Just to clarify, I don't think he was over the top with the lovey dovey stuff.. it was just enough to let her know, in his own way, of how much he truly loved her.  He may have hid things well from others (or maybe he didnt), but I could see his passion and love for everyone around. And it was really deep!! I feel like it came out a little more once my MIL passed away, but more in a down side than an up side.  If that makes sense. Family meant everything to him! I am pretty sure all his children saw this too. 

It really does make my heart happy that he is in the next chapter of his life. He deserves to be back with those he has missed in his life.. and I can't wait to be right there with them all too!  

Wow.. this entry has turned into me expressing my thoughts on being an empath, to my FIL. How interesting how things turn from one thing to another.  I thought about erasing this and sticking to the empath subject, but nah.... I want to keep this to honor my FIL. 

With all of that said, I shall end for now. I have an extremely needed kitty who really wants me to pay attention to her.  She keeps walking on my computer.... Silly cat!

Perhaps I'll pick up on the topic of an emapth next time... Just hoping its not a few years down the road.. lol.

Moi~

Moving in the direction you are supposed to...

When Scott and I got married, miracles happened often. Sometimes I have to sit and realize the miracles that are right before my eyes but sometimes I see things SO clearly.  I am truly blessed that I know my Heavenly father is there.. is real.. is someone who love's us and want's us home with him. I am blessed to have felt his love and to have the power to understand things in my life when I need to. Even when life throws me a challenge that I sometimes feel I cant over come, I always continue to remind myself to give it time and I will eventually see and realize why.

We've made several move's in our life together. And some of them have been with inspiration. It used to bother me what people would think about us moving around and I've had to learn to let that bother go and focus on my own personal why's. Besides I had to learn that what I do with my family is strictly my own business and for my own personal learning and growth.  As it is the same for each and everyone of you.  Never let someone else's opinions about what YOU do with YOUR life get in your way.  I've learned to listen to others concerns and pray about what is right for me. Sure when I was younger, I had selfish incentives guide my reasons and direction.. and I sure have learned from some of those mistakes. And who is to say sometimes I don't continue to make stupid mistakes. But they are my own mistakes.  Man listen to me, I sound like I have to defend myself.. which I don't.. I guess when my mind gets on something, it just wants to let it all out.. haha. 

I actually want to talk about this big move we are about to take. It's a scary one!  Also an exciting one. More scary than exciting though.  Several months ago (actually almost 2 years ago) my sister moved to Tennessee and married the love of her life.  She had been a huge support in my life since we have adopted children with behavioral issues. And when she moved I had a hard time accepting it.  I remember one day Scott and I were talking about it and he looked at me saying something along the lines of, "NO.. don't even think about it!"  Meaning don't think about moving there to follow her.. lol.  And honestly I made myself not think of it because I knew how much Scott did NOT want to move anymore. Heck I really don't like moving either... it just has happened a lot.. hah.  So really I had no intentions on push that kind of thing.   Finally one day Scott came with me to visit my sister out in TN. Something happened to give Scott a strong impression that maybe TN was were we are actually supposed to be. And low and behold HE was and is the reason we are moving. There are several things that have happened the confirm to both of us that this is the direction we are supposed to go. How everything is going in a perfect flow on getting us there.   Finding the perfect house (although it is a fixer upper and will be LOTS of work). Finding a buyer for our home in Utah with little hassle. With selling several cars to get the money we need to make this happen (we are leaving in less than a week and had crunch time to sell.. and ended up selling 3 cars in 2 days).

I may not be able convince you of the power of faith in following Heavenly Father's guidance. And if for some reason, whatever it may be that you don't believe in this amazing gift (yes I believe our Heavenly Father is an amazing gift) I hope you can some how open your mind, your heart and some how find ways to believe this all to be true. Believe how much our Heavenly father love's you and that you have a plan here on this earth.

One of our struggles we thought we would have is our house. It's a major fixer upper (we cant get away from them). We don't have the funding to make it look great for selling purposes. At least enough to get out from under it.  Scott was praying one day to some how find a way to help us sell the house. Just a couple of days later a developer contacted Scott and asked about selling him some of our land.  I honestly didn't want to do that since that was a good selling point for the house. So half joking Scott tells him to just buy the whole house.  And BAM.. his prayers were answered!  I really don't want much. I just want enough to live a stress free from financial struggle.  And that is pretty much what we will be doing walking out of this house deal.  And I am truly grateful for the little things I have.. Little but mean SO much to me (so really that means they are actually BIG things).

Well as much as I could continue this journal, I really should try to go to sleep. Sleep has been one of the few things lacking in my life right now...

Remember your love, your worth and value!!  <3 p="">
Moi~

Forgiveness, the Ultimate gift..

We are all human.. And what comes with being human, comes with making mistakes. Mistakes are how we learn... how we grow... how we learn to forgive.  As I read many posts and comments on social media, it boggles my mind how people can be so mean to each other. And it seems like everyone has forgotten that they too, have made mistakes and probably needed someone to forgive them at one point. 
One thing I've learned is we learn to love by being forgiven.  Do you ever wonder if someone who is sitting in prison could ever change? Well I believe they could.  I believe if they were shown love, they could potentially change.  One thing that thrives on peoples hate, is more hate. I think that is why I read SO many hateful comments and posts. It does break my heart that someone can be so cruel to put someone down... when they simply forget they are human too.

Lets say you did something horrible. Say you betrayed your best friend some how. Do you think if your best friend lashed out and said hateful things to you, that you would want to change and make better choices?  Hmm.. maybe..  Or It might fuel you more with hatred and make you want to continue on making poor choices.  But what if your friend forgave you and opened their arms and showed you how much they loved you?   Forgiveness can help you be cautious too. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to trust.. and perhaps you are more careful. But showing love CAN and will make a person better. I strongly believe that.

We can all make a difference and spread love. Do small things to show how we appreciate people. Not judging people for their sins.. and embrace them instead. We are all Heavenly Fathers children and he loves ALL of us, regardless of our mistakes. I think we owe it to everyone else to try and love each other like that too. TRY THIS: Help 5 people today. Even if its simple things like holding the door open for a stranger. See what happens.   And never forget, You are worth being forgiven. You are worth being loved. <3 nbsp="" p="">

New goals...

So sometimes people cant figure out what true love is. At one point in my life I worried that I would never find it. And then, God put Scott in my path, and I figured it out! It will be 13 years of wonderful marriage for us in March.  

I have a husband who makes sure he kisses me every morning before he goes to work.
I have a husband who constantly reminds me he loves me.
I have a husband who tells me I'm beautiful, even when I don't feel it..
I have a husband who makes sure I come first to him.
I have a husband who will remind me how much Heavenly Father love us.
I have a husband who took me to the temple <3 nbsp="" span="">
I have a husband who respects me.
I have a husband who always tells me my worth. 
I have a husband who has never spoke negative to me.
I have a husband who has always kept God in our home. 
I have a husband who never fights with me.
I have a husband who is a wonderful father. 
I have a husband who snores at night. (Have to list his flaw, right? haha)
I have a husband who drives a cool car. 
I have a husband who takes me out when I need it. 
I have a husband. 
And I am the luckiest girl I know!
<3 br="">

Another year gone by in a flash!

I sit here and think "which topic would I like to type about?"  I have so many! Sometimes I feel like writing a novel about all the topic's I want to write. This world, My children, My beliefs, My opinions politically, My parenting mistakes and learning growth, The pets around me... and so much more.  
Sometimes I don't have that want to write either. Especially with this world that has become so critical. You can't have an opinion, thought or even a belief with out being judged or put down. It makes me so sad!  The art of forgiveness is lost too.

I guess I'll talk about my conversation I had with a couple of my kids last night. One child wanted to sleep in another child's room. They do this from time to time, but sometime one does not want the other to invade their space. This was the case last night. I took them both and sat them down. I explained to one, that sometimes personal space is important and they have to be OK with accepting "No, not tonight". 
Some how this got me on the topic about how I hope all of my children can learn the thing called forgiveness and true love for one another.  I told them how too many people in this world have no time to forgive but have all the time in the world to point fingers, judge and wish horrible things on others.  I brought up a new's article I read earlier that day, about a young man who turned himself in to the police (or confessed at least to his wrongful doing). I think this man was in his early 20's. He had sexually abused a 4-5 year old girl when he was around the age of 14-16. The judge sentenced him to 60 days in Jail and 2 years probation. Mainly because he was a minor when this happened.

I spent time reading horrible comments, which made me super sad. I completely understand why people are upset. Something like this is very hard to imagine. But people don't know all the facts and it really bothered me that so many people were wishing such horrible things on this young man.   
I feel this country lacks on proper mental health care... which honestly is what this man really needs. It is a sickness that needs to be addressed. And this man must of had some kind of trauma himself in his child hood to do such a thing to a little girl. Where were the people who could have helped him back then?  I don't want to judge this man. That IS God's job. I don't wish horrible things on him as well. I wish for him to get the proper help he needs.  THESE are the things I was explaining to my kids last night... in hoping they can truly learn not to judge and learn the power of forgiveness.  THAT is what makes people heal instead of wishing private parts being cut off, or even death. Like my mom always said, "Two wrongs don't make a right!"  And I leave you with that!

 
Moi~